HE KNEW... LIAR Looks like Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney was right, after all. Score one for the Grassy Knoll Society. For the time being, please allow yer old pal Jerky to gloss over the fine details and the myriad questions raised by the embarrassingly revelatory timeline. I can assure you that we will most definitely be tackling these issues in the very near future. Here is the situation in a nutshell: Thanks to some high-level leaks, we now know that at least some agents in the FBI strongly suspected that terrorists might specifically be planning on flying airliners into the World Trade Center, and that on August 6, 2001, the CIA warned Preznit Dubya - who was vacationing at his Crawford "ranch" at the time - of a Bin Laden hijacking threat. Before Dubya would sleep in the White House again, the World Trade Center would be a nothing but a heap of smouldering rubble, and over three thousand souls would be reduced to photographs and painful memories. LIAR As things currently stand, the implications are Watergate level, and the potential implications are beyond adequate historical comparison. Make no mistake; for more reasons than we have room to list in a single edition - and when considered in full context - this revelation is big, big news. And yet the so-called liberal media - those radical left-wing multinational corporations who are all, according to the mob of right-wing pundits who utterly dominate said media, "out to get the Preznit" - are just as paralyzed and feckless as they've ever been. On a day when you might expect the fourth estate to step up and make the investigative effort - thereby perhaps reclaiming some of the credibility lost in recent years - what information did the press choose to give us? They unapologetically gave us the White House spin. With apparent relief, these overpaid teleprompter jockeys reported the non-answers dished out by Ari Fleischer and, later, by a visibly shaken Condoleeza Rice, as though their blatant deflections were sufficient, definitive and plausible; three things they most definitely were NOT. LIAR But never fear... after heaving a sigh of relief upon successfully circumlocuting this potentially treasonous line of inquiry, our media shepherds kindly herded us towards more important stories... like the hours-long Reagan love-fest on Capitol Hill this morning. If you watched any cable "news" channels on Wednesday, you undoubtedly saw the full-spectrum coverage of astrology-queen Nancy Reagan accepting a Congressional Medal of Honor on hubby Ronnie's behalf. Similarly, you couldn't avoid the heaps of familiar archival footage showing the Gipper doing his thing: christening Evil Empires and derisively mocking his political rivals, to much warm applause. Meanwhile, at the grass-roots level, the White House dispatched Secretary of Defense Donald "Geriatric Dracula" Rumsfeld to Rush Limbaugh's propaganda-fest in order to rally the troops and issue marching orders to the army of knuckle-dragging, true-believing "patriots" for whom questioning any aspect of the Bush II administration is tantamount to treason. After all, the heavily armed yokels who make up the growing ranks of the volunteer Freikorps Gruppen are a vital part of Dubya's "anti-terror" plans for the nation. You know folks, any time a story of this magnitude breaks, yer old pal Jerky gets nervous. If we operate on the assumption that this isn't disinformation meant to distract us from something bigger, then we've probably got a lot to worry about. A wounded animal is never more dangerous than when it's cornered. LIAR To start off, as we've seen, they're simply doing the usual. Deny. Spin. Shift. Deflect. Distract. But if the shitstorm starts getting really heavy - like, if enough people wake the fuck up and start mass-demonstrating in the streets - then I think all bets may be off. Yer old pal Jerky doesn't think he's taking a controversial stance when he says that the Pentagon/Big Money/CIA cabal who currently run the country probably don't navigate by the same moral compass the rest of us use. These are, after all, the kind of people who engineer military coups, who topple democracies the world over, who indiscriminately spill blood for oil, who scoff at the concept of public accountability, who conspiratorially enshrine themselves at the pinnacle of the societal hierarchy, while simultaneously forcing a dog-eat-dog Social Darwinism on we swarming sheep below. So the question is... how far would these megalomaniacs go just to maintain? Would they be willing to make up some new threat to use as an excuse to further clamp down on civil liberties and assert a tighter grip on the press? Some people believe they started doing this the day after 9-11. Would they be willing to fabricate an actual terror event - resulting perhaps in a limited amount of casualties - a la Project Northwoods? Again, with October's anthrax panic looking more and more like an inside job, this may well have already happened. Which brings us to the next level. Would the current faction of the moneyed elites who rule us be willing to kill massive numbers of their fellow Americans, just to hold on to power? Would they be willing to kill thousands? Some say they already have. How about a hundred thousand? Would they lose a minute of sleep over nuking one of our major cities? ...over killing MILLIONS of us? ...all to assert their Will to Power over us? Could they really be honest-to-God NAZIS? Yer old pal Jerky can't say for sure, yet. And none of his many friends and associates can say, either. One thing we all agree on, however, is that none of us would be surprised if our darkest imaginings - if the worst case scenario - turned out to be a fair representation of reality. If that doesn't tell you about how far we've come since November 7, 2000 - not September 11, 2001 - yer old pal Jerky doesn't know what will.

ON THESE DAYS! May 17 On this day in 1978, Charlie Chaplin's coffin is discovered ten miles from the Swiss cemetary where the director had recently been buried. An officer at the scene drops dead of a heart-attack when, upon opening the coffin to verify that Chaplin's remains were still present, a giant boxing glove shoots out and pops him a good one right in the chops. *** *** *** May 18 On this day in 1944, the Soviet Union exiles more than 200,000 Tartars from Crimea because they were collaborating with the Nazis. And to think… the only thing we did with OUR Nazi collaborators (Preznit Dubya's grand-daddy chief among them) was give'em a slap on the wrist and send them on their way. And now they're running the country! It's kinda funny, in an UTTERLY FUCKING DISGUSTING kind of way. If you love your country, arm yourself with knowledge. *** *** *** May 19 On this day in 1943, Nazi dictator Adolph Hitler declares the city of Berlin to be Judenrien, or completely empty of Jewish people. At first, the dictator is proud of his sinister acheivement, but when he finds that he can't get a decent smoked meat sandwich to save his life anymore... he begins to secretly have regrets.

DUBYA HITS THE TRIFECTA! "Obviously, we've got budget matters. You know, when I was running for President, in Chicago, somebody said, would you ever have deficit spending? I said, only if we were at war, or only if we had a recession, or only if we had a national emergency. Never did I dream we'd get the trifecta." - Preznit Dubya, at the Taft for Governor luncheon in Ohio, May 10, 2002. *** *** *** "You know, I was campaigning in Chicago and somebody asked me, is there ever any time where the budget might have to go into deficit? I said only if we were at war or had a national emergency or were in recession. Little did I realize we'd get the trifecta. But we're fine." - Remarks made by Preznit Dubya at GOP Luncheon, February 27, 2002. *** *** *** "I remember campaigning in Chicago one time, and the guy said, would you ever deficit spend? I said, well, only if we were at war, or the country was in recession, or there was a national emergency. I didn't realize we were going to get the trifecta. We're dealing with the issue of our economy, and I want you to know that we're dealing with the issue of war and our national emergency, as well." - Remarks made by Preznit Dubya at Fisher for Governor Reception, April 3rd, 2002. *** *** *** "I was campaigning in Chicago one time and a fellow said, would you ever allow for deficit spending, would that ever enter your vocabulary? I said, well, under certain circumstances: only if we're at war or there was a national emergency or there was a recession. Little did I realize we'd draw the trifecta." - Remarks made by Preznit Dubya at the Graham for Senate Luncheon in Greenville, SC, March 27, 2002. *** *** *** "I'll never forget one time in Chicago when a reporter said, would you ever deficit spend? And I said, well, only -- only if we were at war, only if there were a national emergency, or only if there is a recession. Never did I believe we'd get the trifecta. But we're dealing with it." - Remarks made by Preznit Dubya at Saxby Chambliss for Senate dinner in Atlanta, GA, March 27, 2002. *** *** *** "You know, when I was campaigning in Chicago, in the general election, somebody said, would you ever deficit spend? I said, well, only if we were at war, or there was a national emergency, or we were in a recession. Little did I realize we'd get the trifecta." - Remarks made by Preznit Dubya at Victory 2002 event, March 29th, 2002. *** *** *** "The recession -- no question, I remember when I was campaigning, I said, would you ever deficit spend? And I said, yes, only if there were a time of war, or recession, or a national emergency. Never thought we'd get -- And so we have a temporary deficit in our budget, because we are at war, we're recovering, our economy is recovering, and we've had a national emergency. Never did I dream we'd have the trifecta." - Preznit Dubya, April 16th, 2002. *** *** *** "You know, when I was campaigning in Chicago one time, they said, would you ever have a deficit? I said, I hope not. I said, I think it's important for us to make -- to work hard to have a balanced budget. But I said, yes, I'd have a deficit if I were the President only if we were at war, or in a recession, or in times of emergency. I didn't think I was going to draw the trifecta." - Remarks made by Preznit Dubya at Heather Wilson for Congress luncheon, April 29th, 2002. *** *** *** "Bush's tasteless trifecta 'joke' advances a huge lie: that Bush promised, during the 2000 campaign, not to touch Social Security funds or go into deficit spending except in case of war, recession, or national emergency. In fact, Bush NEVER qualified his pledge not to touch the Social Security funds, much less go into deficit spending." - Thanks to the good people at Media Whores Online and their devoted core of contributors for the heads-up.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal RobScott... I remember standing at quarters one morning whilst stationed aboard the USS Adroit. Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster. "JACKSON?" "Here!" "KIBBEY?" "Yo." "STEPHENS?" "Present, sir." "SEEBACK?" Nothing. "SEEBACK?!" Still nothing. "DAMMIT, SEEBACK!" As the division Chief I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear, "Sir, turn the paper over." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Stan... A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider." So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy. Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the famil room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks. "Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Sorahs. Q: How many fags does it take to screw in a light bulb? Give up? A: It's a trick question--assholes aren't threaded.

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; All of creation is moving, including that two celled brain you have? How do you explain movement without a mover? No hogshit please, or beliefs, or theories, explain movement without someone to cause it. Think for once in your life, please, of not now, when? Signed: John Dear Weirdo; Go move your bowels into your mother's mouth, then do the gene pool a solid and kill yourself. M'kay?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: OTHER WAYS TO GET RID OF THOSE PESKY JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES! Care of: a variety of writers. Keelar writes: "I went to the local chapter of bullshit headquarters, and brought with me some very good reading material, comprised of Larry Flynt's best printed stories on evolution, Hugh's outlooks on philosphy, and some other fine publications depicting many informative tips on how to procreate. I walked in the doors of the "church", and found the elders giving their sermon with great gusto. I proceeded to tell them I was interested in converting them to MY religion. I informed them that I was a Pervertarian, and that the gods of perversia had instruced me to go to them and convert as many to my cause as humanly possible because the end was near. After I showed them my pamphlets and explained that porn was not the evil thing that many claimed, and actualy a instrument of the gods. The elders got real excited and asked me to leave many times. I then told theelders that I was there also on a second mission. To make godamn sure they never came back to my house spewing their shit at me. I promised not to come back to their house and hand out pamphlets if they would stay away from mine." Keith A writes: "Other then the Satan worship thing (it works too, I've used it), you can tell the Watch Tower pushers that you have been "Defellowshiped" from the church. Once you have been kicked out of the Jehovah church the other members are not allowed to talk or try to re-save you." Mike writes: "A few years ago I lived in Los Angeles, and was frequently awakened at 7 AM on weekdays. The two women thought it to be a reward in heaven when I jumped out of bed grabbed my robe and answered the door - just to slam it shut in their faces. Well, one morning they woke me in their usual way, pounding on my door - I woke with a very good piss hard-on and just answered the door naked and invited them in to talk. That ended the visits. About ten years later, the Witnesses returned. I lived on a private road and there were rattle snakes, pack rats, and other assorted wild creatures living on my acreage. Well, I would wear a hog-leg Colt .45 - just in case of snakes or other unsolicited and unwelcome varmints came around. And here comes the Witnesses, so as I walked up the drive to meet them, I unhooked the leather loop from the hammer of that pistol and in no uncertain terms said, "This is MY private road. If you come back, I'll shoot you!" And that ended any more visits by the missionaries to the doorknobs." Sam writes: "This is what a friend of mine does every time those bible thumpers come to his door and it works like a charm. He answers the door in the nude and if they are persistant he begins to masterbutate and foam at the mouth while they are talking." John writes: "The Jehovah's Witnesses around here knocked on our door once; they don't anymore. I think it's got something to do with me politely listening to their speil, calmly telling them I'm Jewish, and reaching for my zipper and asking if they wanted to see my circumcision. The guy turned beet-red, grabbed the girl's arm and stormed off. Funny thing was the girl seemed very interested." [So basically, we now know that the average Daily Dirt reader is very willing to whip out his cock in full view of complete strangers. Why am I not surprised by this? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com